Gay Marriage (and Divorce)
Navigating the triumphs and challenges of same-sex unions now and in the future
As the LGBTQ+ community celebrates the 55th anniversary of the Stonewall Uprising this month, examines the current state of same-sex marriage and divorce, the potential threats to these rights, and legislative efforts to protect them further.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—This month marks the 55th anniversary of the Stonewall Uprising, the seminal event that sparked the modern LGBTQ+ rights movement in the United States and worldwide. Since then, the LGBTQ+ community has increased in size and influence despite being less than 10% of the population. It has also seen an expansion of its acceptance and rights, including the right for same-sex couples to marry and divorce nationwide.
My husband and I married in the Spring of 2015 at the Warhol Museum in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, with a marriage license from Washington, D.C., just one month before it was recognized nationally. We’ve experienced the so-called “marriage benefit” and have seen the hardships friends have faced during a divorce. This Pride Month, I’m checking in on the state of gay marriage and divorce in the U.S., the potential threats to same-sex unions, and the action one state is taking to protect against its potential unwinding by the Supreme Court.
Here’s what we know about the LGBTQ+ community today
As of 2024, according to Gallup, approximately 7.6% of U.S. adults identify as LGBTQ+. This marks a significant increase from 3.5% in 2012 when it first began collecting this data. The growth in LGBTQ+ identification is particularly notable among younger generations. For instance, about 1 in 5 GenZ adults (those aged 18-23) identify as LGBTQ+, compared to lower percentages in older age groups.
According to a 2021 government census, the LGBTQ+ community is the fastest-growing minority segment in the United States, with close to $1.4 trillion in spending power—on par with Hispanic American, African American, and Asian American/Pacific Islander segments.
Here’s what we know about same-sex marriage and divorce
According to Gallup, nearly three-quarters (71%) of Americans believe that same-sex couple marriages should be recognized by the law as valid, with the same rights as traditional marriages.
Over the past decade, same-sex married households have more than quadrupled. By 2021, according to the latest American Community Survey data, same-sex couples made up 1.2% of all married couple households. This steady increase reflects a consistent upward trend over the past several decades.
Over the 20 years that same-sex couples have been able to marry in the U.S., there have been no negative effects on marriage, divorce or cohabitation among different-sex couples, according to a new report from RAND and UCLA.
The same report found that the benefits of access to legal marriage for same-sex couples are “unambiguously positive” for them, their children and the general population.
The Washington Post found that the divorce rate for married gay and lesbian couples is roughly the same as for straight couples. However, gay married men are about half as likely to divorce as lesbian women. Women are more likely to initiate divorce in opposite-sex marriages, too.
The State of Gay Marriages
Following the first statewide laws that established civil unions or same-sex marriages for gay and lesbian couples in the U.S., the Supreme Court, in its 5–4 Obergefell v. Hodges decision on June 26, 2015, found that the Fourteenth Amendment requires all states to grant same-sex marriages and recognize same-sex marriages granted in other states. The U.S. was the 17th country in the world to do this.
Research has shown that the "marriage benefit" documented in different-sex couples extends to same-sex couples. Like straight unions, some of marriage's biggest impacts are financial. Marriage can positively impact almost every aspect of a couple's financial planning, including taxes, retirement, budgeting, insurance, etc. However, marriage brings other intrinsic benefits covering nearly every aspect of life, from employment benefits to spousal and parental rights.
RAND and UCLA found that, additionally, the physical health of LGBTQ+ individuals improved with same-sex marriage legalization, evidenced by higher health insurance coverage and declining rates of sexually transmitted infections and substance use. Legalizing same-sex marriage also resulted in more stable relationships, higher earnings, and increased homeownership rates for same-sex households.
Same-sex marriages now outperform straight marriages financially. However, there is variability based on race and gender. “Overall, same-sex married couples had a higher median household income than opposite-sex married couples: $107,200 and $96,930, respectively,” the Census Department reported in 2020. “Same-sex female married couples had a lower median household income than same-sex male married couples: $95,720 and $123,600, respectively.”
Same, but Different
With the passage of same-sex marriage in some states and the Supreme Court decision in 2015, divorce became a reality, too.
“LGBTQ people going through a divorce are now largely treated like anyone divorcing,” shared Adam Romero in a 2019 interview about his book, LGBTQ Divorce and Relationship Dissolution: Psychological and Legal Perspectives and Implications for Practice. “Yet, there are a number of issues in divorce that are unique to LGBTQ people.”
Since divorce laws were originally designed with different-sex couples in mind, gay and lesbian spouses might find that their relationship arrangements don't always align with what the law expects. For instance, because same-sex couples couldn't marry for a long time, many who've been together for decades are only recognized as having been married for a few years, which can significantly affect how assets are divided and other aspects of the divorce. Another big challenge for same-sex couples with kids is the legal status of the non-biological parent.
There also are issues that have nothing to do with the law. I had a chance to sit down with Karl Dunn last week in Washington to discuss his new book, How to Burn a Rainbow: My Gay Marriage Didn't Make Me Whole, My Divorce Did. In it, Dunn describes the challenging journey of same-sex divorce as an isolating and uncharted experience.
On top of his legal hurdles, Dunn noted that social stigma adds another layer of difficulty. For many in the LGBTQ+ community, he shared, divorce can feel like a personal failure and a betrayal of the broader fight for marriage equality. This can bring about deep feelings of shame and guilt, amplified by a lack of understanding from both straight and queer communities.
Perhaps the biggest surprise was the camaraderie Dunn found with straight men, who’d also gone through a divorce. “While my divorce made me a pariah in my own community for letting down the cause, the brotherhood I found with straight, divorced guys was incredible,” he shared. “Their advice, support, and friendship—sometimes from total strangers—saved my life.”
What’s Coming
After the Supreme Court's 2022 decision to overturn Roe v. Wade, which ended the constitutional right to abortion, Justice Clarence Thomas suggested in a concurring opinion that the court should also reexamine other rulings based on similar legal reasoning, including those safeguarding same-sex marriage. Just six months later, the bipartisan Respect for Marriage Act passed, which codified some aspects of Obergefell.
“It’s one thing for the Supreme Court to rule on a case, but it’s another thing entirely for elected representatives of the people to take a vote on the floor of the United States Congress and say loudly and clearly, love is love,” President Biden said at its signing. “Right is right. Justice is justice.”
While The Respect for Marriage Act provides significant protections for same-sex marriage, it does not fully safeguard it in every conceivable scenario. Writing for his popular Substack,
, noted, “The bill does not, however, require states to allow same-sex couples to marry, one of the key results of that 2015 decision, Obergefell v. Hodges.”Thirty-five states, including California, have statutes or constitutional amendments prohibiting same-sex marriage that predate the 2015 decision, so the overturning of Obergefell could have cascading consequences similar to Roe if it were to be overturned. This prospect prompted California Gov. Gavin Newsom last week to call on the California legislature to invalidate Proposition 8, its 2008 constitutional amendment prohibiting same-sex marriage.
“Why do we feel we need to do this? What more evidence do you need? Wake up to the world we’re living in,” Newsom said. “It’s profound and precious progress. You can’t take it for granted.”